Letting go of the past can be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Death, divorce, break up - these are all difficult situations to deal with. The grief, betrayal, sorrow and anger that accompanies them can all be very consuming, so much so, that instead of moving past them, you find yourself being dragged under. Living in the past can be a way of escapism, giving you a way to avoid facing reality and the hardships that come with it. Grieving the loss of a loved one is a natural process, and one that you need to deal with, because with it, will come acceptance, and the ability to move on. Life teaches us many lessons, and how to let go of things is one that you must learn, to rejoin the living.
How to Let Go of a Past Relationship
Failed relationship? Welcome to the club. Nothing can jolt you into reality as much as having the rug pulled out from under you. The time when you realize that your partner isn't in the same place, doesn't want the same things, fell out of love or the worst of the lot, still wants to be friends. You may have seen it coming, you may even have been the one to decide to call things off, but however logical the decision, no matter how ready you think you are, getting over a broken heart is tough. You may still find yourself bursting into tears at the sight of an old T-shirt, a toothbrush or memories that just don't go away. Rejection and infidelity hurt, they always do. And somehow, the most confident of us can be reduced to a puddle of mush at the thought of the one that got away. In the aftermath of what can be one of the hardest things you've ever been through, you'd either have to be living on a higher plane of existence or a superhuman to not feel pain, anger and loss of esteem. The good news is that you're probably through the hardest part, the separation. The great news is that when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up! Things will get better, and you will emerge stronger. Once you learn how to let go of the past and move on, you'll be happier, stronger and infinitely more sorted, and the crazy mess that's been in your head will be lighter, brighter and better all round.
You could be like me and bounce from one relationship to another without giving yourself the space to end one and let go, before diving headfirst into the second - until you're rebounding off rebound relationships and end up a complete mess to boot. While I'd be the first to admit that I knew what I was doing was wrong, sometimes it's easier to not deal with the grief, and distract yourself with something fun. Don't do this, because you'll only end up wasting a lot of time and hurting more people in the process. You have to face your emotions, because they will surface sooner or later, there's just no way out. Every person is different and will have a different way of moving on, but the list below may give you a nudge in the right direction.
Break Contact
One of the hardest things to deal with at the end of a relationship is getting yourself to believe that it's over, and dealing with it. You'll find yourself looking for ways, any way, to stay in touch. And, you will be amazed at the excuses your mind can come up with, for just one opportunity. After all, you never know, when you turn up at your exes doorstep to return the sneakers that he hasn't worn for the last year (the same ones you had to rescue from the pile of junk you'd been meaning to throw out), he might just change his mind, and realize that you are meant to be together after all, right? Wrong! The cardinal rule to follow if your aim is getting over a break up, is severing contact. All contact. And that means no phone calls, no emails, no voice mails, no meeting, no IM-ing, blackberry-ing or any form of sneaky contact. Giving yourself time to cope alone and staying away from each other will prevent you from falling into the rabbit hole of getting back temporarily with an ex. The operative word here, in case you missed it, is temporarily.
Keep a Journal
You'll be amazed at how therapeutic it can be to write down your thoughts. To begin with, you may think it's truly stupid, and you may have nothing to write. It's okay, start off with "This is stupid, a total waste of time, and I have nothing to write." Make it a habit, do it at the same time everyday, and just write what you feel. There will be good days and bad, but as you begin to write in your journal, you'll find a pattern emerging. If writing doesn't do it for you, try drawing or painting or anything creative, for that matter.
Let Go, and Don't Look Back
You can never make a fresh start if you don't move on from your past. Understand that what's in the past cannot be changed, no matter what. To learn how to move on after a break up, accept that the past holds memories, and with it lies the frustration that you could have done differently, but didn't. Well, you can't change it, and dwelling on it is not letting you live your present, it's even hampering your future. So just let it go.
Face Your Fear
Broken, bad relationships can leave you scarred, unable to trust and may hamper your ability to commit to anyone else. Learning how to let go of bad memories can help you move into a healthy relationship, or nurture those that you've neglected. Remember that while you cannot control another person's actions, you can control yours, and you can choose to make a positive change in your life, by facing your fear of another failed relationship.
Rediscover Yourself
Enjoy being single! While it may seem unbearably hard if you're a relationship junkie like me, acknowledge that you need to give yourself priority to be able to emerge stronger, and being single is actually a whole lot more fun than you may give it credit for. Do the things you've always wanted to, rediscover old friends, learn to love yourself, travel. Don't look back.
Learning how to let go of the past is therapeutic in itself. As Baz Luhrman says very wisely, "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." Good things are round the corner, waiting for you to discover them. Welcome to the present, your future's looking good!
